I feel like ive fallen off a cliff.
The initial "oh fuck im going to die" wore off and I started to think, maybe it doesnt have to happen this way. A small ledge, a rock, a branch, anything to stop me from falling to the ground.

Nothing.

The acceptance sets in. I now know, "ok...youre going to die. Lets get this over with, let me hit the ground. Please dont let me suffer, just let it be done. " I keep falling and falling faster and faster...my nose touches the ground and



















the ground drops down another 50 feet.
and another.
and another.
and another.

i dont like when creepy men give me creepy notes implying creepy things while im working.


And i dont like sitting in the security office filling out incident statements while the detectives search the video to print out stills so the creepy man can be identified.


Even more that i dont like, they want me to have someone walk me to my car every night after work



I hate it. I hate it all. Its not like ive never been hit on before at work....Ive had guys slip me their phone number and ya just smile till they leave, then throw the number away. But this one....this note....gave me the creeps.

A while back a customer came in for camera advice. Basically he did everything in his power to keep me talking for almost an hour. I smiled, i did my speech about camera after camera, explained every single detail about digital and how awesome digital darkrooms are. I found out he came back a few weeks later and asked for my schedule and the stationary person actually told him....yeah...told him my entire schedule. He only wanted to talk to me, he wouldnt take any help from the other girls there. Then he came in on my next shift and asked me what kind of card a kodak camera takes....thanked me over and over again and shook my hand. Nowwwww he shows up today. Walks up to my counter, thanks me again for "my services" and hands me a white card...quickly walks away. I didnt talk to him today, didnt give him any advice, tell him anything...just hands me the card.



Basically....he wanted to make me a star in a mens magazines featuring "volumptuous XL girls".


The writing was all scratchy and squiggly. Either he had some wicked muscle problems or he was jerkin it with the other hand while he was writing.

To a degree, i think the store managers and detectives are over reacting a tad. They all gave me this look like i was a little girl that got raped or something equally horrific had happened right before my eyes. It was just a note. A creepy note. Im sure ill never even see the guy again. I dont even get what he sees in me.

yesterday i was surfing around some gaming site and there was this sims dating game. It was rated adult but it said MILD NUDITY so im thinking...ya know its got that whole anime feeling to it so theres probably like some boobage or something minor...no biggie. I love sim games!!

So i start playing.

It says you have 100 days to get this girl to love you and have sex. Ok...again mild nudity...the sex scene cant be too graphic. So i kept playing. Lalala i was determined to beat it. There wasnt anything really sexual...You kissed and that was it.

then i beat the game.
Then to finish...you have to please her.
Shes spread eagle on the bed and i control how my character finger bangs her.
lol
G R A P H I C as can be.

I deceided to browse down the list of other anime sim games. The site features games such as SEX KITTEN 1-7. You go around to different places...answer questions so the girl either gets naked or shows you porno.

I think its totally lame. Guys probably sit around and jerk off all over their keyboard because cartoon characters are doing each other. Now...realistically...not all japanesse women have HUGE tits and rainbow colored hair down to their butt. NIPPLES ARE NOT ALWAYS HARD.

anyways.

ive been craving hugs like crazy but i cant seem to say "will you hug me?"

SOMEONE JUST WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND ME FOR FUCKS SAKE.

why do i need a hug so bad? Im not sad. In fact im happier than ever. I dunno. i just dunno. Hug me hug me hug me.

g-g-g-otcha

Ill tell you something, not every house comes with a white picket fence. Some dont have the space. Some dont have the time and concentration to keep that fence white. Others would just look stupid with them.

Why is it considered wrong that i dont want to get married or have kids? What? Because i dont want to pop a 8lb creature out of my vagina it automatically makes me a spinster lesbian? Im ok on my own. i like to pig out and walk around my house naked for 24 hours straight. I like to sleep in my bed knowing that i can kick, flop, fart, and snore as much as i damn well please. I like that i dont have a small child hanging from my breasts at odd times. I make food that i like and not a permanet cycle of hotdogs chunks, mac n cheese, and other random kid friendly foods.

WHY IS THAT WRONG?

What if you signed up for one of those match up websites...werent happy with it...called to cancel your subscription only to fall in love with the operator assisting you with your cancellation?

why do bands release singles 2 months before their album is due out? I could see a couple weeks just to make the youngins go bonkers waiting for the cd but...2 months just seems like enough time for the 1st single to become a success, fizzle out, and then by the time the cd drops...no one would care anymore.

When, in public, is it acceptable to talk about nipples?

How is it that the Oh! channel sells sex toys late at night and i didnt even know about it? I have a renewed respect for chick channels. Now if only theyd stop playing that stupid Yazz commercial.

Where is everyone?

Who is everyone?

Yesterday my department was on fraud alert.
If we had ANY BLACK PERSON buying an IPOD we were to call security immediately.

thats right
ANY BLACK PERSON
what fucking shit is that?
The story was that 6 black people had hit up meijers for IPODS all using bad checks. They felt our store would be next so we were seriously put on high alert for black people buying ipods. Racist shit i say.

I do my job, and i do it well. If ANY person presents a check for over $100 im to check ID's to make sure they live within a 10 mile radious, the address matches the check, the name matches the check, etc. I also have to make sure the numbers dont look tampered with in any way possible, no pre-approval shit on the check, i have to see the customer sign it blah blah. Then if everythings a go...i get a thumb print on the back and initial over the side of the print. It doesnt matter if its the most albino looking chick or some guy with purple and green spots all over him...im to treat them the exact same way.

Now ok, i understand 6 different black people hit up 6 different stores within one day so im guessing they figured these people are working together. But no one told us any names to look for, what kind of checks, nothing. It was just...black people. It bothers me, really really botheres me. They put me in a position where they wanted me to discriminate. We have black people in the store all the time....many are regular customers who are really good to us. But oh yeah thats right theyre obviously just shopping there to rip us off. Last christmas we had white people pose as meijer employee's and stole thousands of dollars worth of jewelry at our store but gosh i dont remember hearing the jewelry department on alert for any white people looking at jewelry.

meijers needs to not do shitty things like that. Narrow it down to what they look like, what theyre wearing, what type of checks, what names, etc etc.

im officially 21 :)
happy birthday to meee

"quit your bitchin
start a revolution"

My name is Kristen and i like being sucky.

i found a guy my age sleeping next to the video game cases at meijers.
i think it mightve just been the highlight of my life.
I did reprints...there were about 20 of em. One print was 3A and instead i accidentally printed 3. The lady came back and said this was a disaster and she wanted to speak to a manager because it was "too hot in the store for people going through midlife crisis and for (me) to be properly productive." I found it hilarious. My working conditions arent fair to people during their MIDLIFE CRISIS and for us employees TO BE PROPERLY PRODUCTIVE. hahahaha

Moms car died again
we got out summer tax bill for our house...$2,000
I got $500 in the bank
$3,000 in credit card debt from my camera, car, and now helping my mom.
argh
ill probably never be able to move out.

lalala
some one come play with me

works really getting to me these days. Meijers is under construction so things are moved around and its hard to find stuff. The old ladies keep bitchin "ive looked all over this store and i have a heart condition. I shouldnt be forced to do that." "I need my inhaler and i cant find the pharmacy" 1st of all...if youre really that sick where you cant walk around our store (yes its really big store) then we have speical buggies you sit in with a basket attached to help you. Second of all theres a lot of stuff that HASNT moved yet and if it has its like 4 aisles away from where it used to be.

Even though i work in photo im now in charge of the game systems too. Well we have this xbox 360 display where you can play the games to test it out. Below it are a few racks filled with game controllers and memory stuff for the xbox. Yesterday some guy was playing the xbox and fucking around with his friend in that aisle. They knocked over the shelves letting the $40 controllers go all over the place and pulled a bunch of the other controllers and video games off the other shelves and left them on the floor. Now i made myself present because that alone usually makes them stop.....

instead they kept laughing and playing the games

then when they were leaving they walked by me and said "you should clean that up" or something like that.

These guys mustve been atleast 23-25years old. Such assholes. I make $7.50 an hour....im a photo/media/stationary clerk.

Customers in photo are really no better. Some guy had reprints that cost $24. He said that was ridiculous and he wouldnt pay it. He tried to say he didnt know it was reprints so he shouldnt be forced to pay that much and that i shouldve checked his film even though he sent it out through our drop box where we just take out the bags of film and ship them. THEN HE TELLS ME HE HAD THEM DONE AT 3 OTHER STORES AND REFUSED TO PAY THEIR PRICES SO HE KNEW THEY WERE REPRINTS. I gave him his film back and put a big R on his bag for REFUSED and thought that was the end of it. He came back and got them for half off and said i was mean or something. Lying piece of shit. His little daughter was making faces at me the entire time...where i grew up thats grounds for throwing down. Thank goodness im mature. OK so maybe not mature but i thought it would be stupid to beat up a 7 year old.

To make things evennnn worse....i dont have much time off this month. 40 hours a week working stupid 3-10:30 shifts. good paychecks, yes but....i need time. Im too stressed out. I need some friends and to go out and have fun.

the local music scene around here seems to be slowing down. Party party party is all everyone seems to do. Im too fat to fit in anywhere...yesterday some guy was walking behind me and moo'd at me.

i dunno. maybe id be worth hanging out with if i wasnt fat? Or id be accepted because everyones to drunk or drugged to notice? fuck this

and fuck my lack of control too.

im lonely and it sucks
and i wanna do something about it
but then i get nervous and think ill do something stupid

:sigh:
hug me hug me leave me alone

blah blah blah
guess what feelings and obsessions are back?
(and no it has nothing to do with boys and everything to do with appearance)

Last night was cocfest
bands played in my backyard
the cops came.....
the end.

There is something so wonderful about sitting around the house in oversized underware and a mens ribbed tank tops.

<3

my moms officially insane
and my teeth hurt.

I tried doing the laundry today.
Its like...we have this mound of clothing that takes up an entire sofa.
And i take item after item off the top, hang it up, move it to its apropriate pile.
but the large mound never seems to shrink.
Not even after hanging up atleast 30 pieces of clothing.
Am i dead? Cause this certainly feels like hell.

Its also going to rain on my cocfest.
fucking hell.
i want to reschedule but chris says no.
you cant have an outdoor celebration of corn on the cob and kinky acronyms when its raining.
fucking hell man, fucking hell.

maybe we should just call it rainfest?

I dont like when girls rely so heavily on other people to take care of them. These girls never have to work a day because theres always some boy who wants to take in this "damaged yet incredibly beautiful" girl and try to fix her (and by fix i mean miraculously kill her mental demons by repeatedly stabbing her in the vag with his dick.) Most girls dont get fixed (certainly not with this dickin' therapy), they simply grow when forced or bored.

argh. Its annoying. More often than not, the girls are damaged cause they make really poor decisions...which the guys find out after the dickin' therapy doesnt work. So then they get kicked out and move to the next guy. You want money? Get a job. How do you get a job? You go out and apply at some places. You want an apartment? Find a reliable person to roomate with--not leech off of. I wouldnt be so annoyed if these girls even tried a little.

I could just be bitter because im too ugly to live the way they do.

im still trying to figure out a way to freeze 100 cocs
holy lesbian batman!

i wish this stupid sinus inFUCKtion would go away already
holy over-used-joke-from-jr.high batman!

ok im done.